When Will I Get Back To 'Normal'???

You ask yourself.....some other's seem to expect you to be getting back to 'normal'....So when will you get back to 'normal'??? Well you WON'T. You'll never be the same again.

Please don't try and pressure yourself into being the same as you were before - you aren't the same and this experience of surviving the loss of the one you love will change you forever.

This isn't all bad though. You appreciate things you may have missed or taken for  granted before, your priorities in life have changed. Once you have dragged yourself through those early dark days you will emerge a different, stronger person than you could ever have believed.


I'm not saying it's not bad that your love has died, that will never be ok. But you will get through and learn to live again - you find a way of taking them forward with you. You sit there one day and have a sudden realisation that you are different now, you are a survivor of the most awful thing that could ever happen to you.

I've also found that my 'friends' have changed. The ones that I thought were my closest before the accident have mostly dissappeared....never to return. Others that I believed that I wasn't as close to have been there through each low and hour of need.

Then I have my new friends, mostly MW's who have been through the same loss. Some that were going through it all at the same time I have a connection to that is unbelievably strong. Others that were further down the road have been an inspiration and an overwhelming support. Out of this shared experience of something so heartwrenchingly painful something new and special has emerged in these friendships. I can confidently say that all that I class as my friends today are 'true' ones and I am blessed to have them in my life.

So hang in there, take each day as it comes and hold on to the fact that you will like the new you when you emerge into the light.

Me A Year Ago

I have a private blog, that I have used to vent and get things out of my system over the last two years. I will share one entry from a year ago on here - the rest are a bit too raw or private though folks.

I look at this now and can see how far I have come...so please believe me...though it seems impossible it does get easier. Someone in an article in the paper said 'you never get over the man but you do get over the death' and that is so true.

May 18th 2009

I can’t believe he is gone still. I run around trying to keep myself so busy that I cannot think about anything – especially the fact that he is lost to me in this world.

But, even though I try this avoidance tactics, at several times during each day it gets through and hits me. It’s like being kicked in the stomach. It takes your breath away and the pain pierces your whole being.

The thought of life without him, even a day, is unbearable so I desperately try to distract myself with other thoughts or throw myself into another task or project.

But the reality is that my eyes will never meet his and see the love or humour there. I will never again feel the warmth of his touch, his arm around me while we watch the television, the cuddles when I am cold or just in need of one. Now the world and I feel cold, empty….

I look at his photos. How can this be the only way that I can now see him? Other than in my mind…in my dreams… How can my darling Steve be dead? How can he be gone like that…? How do I keep going on in a world without him?

I do go on though. I push on through – for Daniel. I am so thankful for him, my wonderful child. Thanks to Daniel I do still have love in my life. I still have laughter. I will live my life.

Though the pain of life without Steve is indescribable. If only I could go back in time and stop him going out that day. If only…. But I guess you can’t torture yourself with the ‘if only’… I would give anything for one minute with Steve. A chance to say goodbye, though I guess I’d never be ready to say goodbye to him forever.

I know he loved me, he knew I loved him but oh, just to hear or say it once again. I say it to his photo. I say it to the empty room. Just in case, somehow, he can hear. I say it each time that wave of loss engulfs me. How can my big, giant of a man with a heart to match be gone?

Will I forget?

We all have that fear - will we forget their voice, their face, their touch....well the answer is NO we won't.

I went a bit mad after the accident. I needed to save anything that Steve had had contact with. I even rooted through the bin to get out an empty medicine packet he had just finished! I saved an old envelope he had doodled on, old receipts...anything that was his. 

I didn't sleep in my bed or touch anything there for over a year! It was just left as it was...where he should have been that night....whilst I slept on the couch. I couldn't bear for anyone to touch his cup etc as he had been the last person to have contact with it.

I woke in a blind panic some nights (the night's when I actually managed to sleep) thinking I'd forgotten how he looked. Then had to go and look at all his photos - taking one back to bed with me.

Often in the early days I thought that I had forgotten things, but I hadn't. It all comes back to you as clear as it ever was. I think that it is some kind of way our mind/body shuts off to help us get through. To make each painful moment of living with the loss in some way more 'numb'. But now it is all as clear as though I had just seen/heard/felt him a minute ago.

Now when someone annoys me at work I can hear his voice as clear as anything saying 'the guy is a knob'! Which is what he used to say. It makes me smile and chill out - the annoyance fades.

So please believe that you will remember and those memories will move forward with you. 

I thought of you with love today but that is nothing new.

I thought about you yesterday and days before that too.

I think of you in silence, I often speak your name.

All I have are memories and your picture in a frame.

Your memory is my keepsake with which I’ll never part.

God has you in His keeping. I have you in my h eart.  ♥

 

So why this blog???!!

As you know my Steve died suddenly in a road accident in March 2008. Well I have come a long way since those awful early days.... Have made some wonderful new friends who, unfortunately, were experiencing the same loss. We've helped drag each other through to a point where we have learnt to live again.

Yes, I still miss & love him and I still have the odd 'wobble'. But I thought that I'd blog some of the things that I have learnt along the way in case it is of help to anyone going through the same experience.

These are just my thoughts, we all cope in different ways, so it is not a 'guide' on how to be. I am certainly no 'expert' and don't profess to be. Just thought it may be helpful to share...

I remember everything about you,
your voice, your smile, your touch,
the way you walked, the way you talked,
the way you looked at me, meant so much.


I remember all the words you said to me,
some funny, some kind, some wise,
all of the things you did for me,
I see now with different eyes.


I remember every moment we shared,
seems like only yesterday,
or maybe it was eons ago,
It's really hard to say.


You are gone from me now,
but one thing they can't take away,
your memory resides inside my heart,
and lights up my darkest days