Me A Year Ago

I have a private blog, that I have used to vent and get things out of my system over the last two years. I will share one entry from a year ago on here - the rest are a bit too raw or private though folks.

I look at this now and can see how far I have come...so please believe me...though it seems impossible it does get easier. Someone in an article in the paper said 'you never get over the man but you do get over the death' and that is so true.

May 18th 2009

I can’t believe he is gone still. I run around trying to keep myself so busy that I cannot think about anything – especially the fact that he is lost to me in this world.

But, even though I try this avoidance tactics, at several times during each day it gets through and hits me. It’s like being kicked in the stomach. It takes your breath away and the pain pierces your whole being.

The thought of life without him, even a day, is unbearable so I desperately try to distract myself with other thoughts or throw myself into another task or project.

But the reality is that my eyes will never meet his and see the love or humour there. I will never again feel the warmth of his touch, his arm around me while we watch the television, the cuddles when I am cold or just in need of one. Now the world and I feel cold, empty….

I look at his photos. How can this be the only way that I can now see him? Other than in my mind…in my dreams… How can my darling Steve be dead? How can he be gone like that…? How do I keep going on in a world without him?

I do go on though. I push on through – for Daniel. I am so thankful for him, my wonderful child. Thanks to Daniel I do still have love in my life. I still have laughter. I will live my life.

Though the pain of life without Steve is indescribable. If only I could go back in time and stop him going out that day. If only…. But I guess you can’t torture yourself with the ‘if only’… I would give anything for one minute with Steve. A chance to say goodbye, though I guess I’d never be ready to say goodbye to him forever.

I know he loved me, he knew I loved him but oh, just to hear or say it once again. I say it to his photo. I say it to the empty room. Just in case, somehow, he can hear. I say it each time that wave of loss engulfs me. How can my big, giant of a man with a heart to match be gone?